> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://martas-field-notes.ghost.io/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Why Do I Keep Doing This? - URL: https://martas-field-notes.ghost.io/why-do-i-keep-doing-this/ - Published: 2026-09-22T07:10:34.000Z - Updated: 2026-09-22T07:10:34.000Z - Description: An investigation into my terrible taste in men and the possibility that I might be the problem - Author: Marta De Pasquale - Tags: Dating As we’ve established in previous posts, I go on a lot of first dates. Some of them stay first dates. Some are really just hookups with better marketing. Others evolve into increasingly absurd situationships. What they never become, though, is an actual relationship. At least not since I was 17\. *(and that one was barely even a relationship)* I'm newly 24, so **I know** I'm still young and everyone keeps telling me I'll eventually find love. I will. But it does strike me as a little odd that, despite actively dating for years, I've never really been in a relationship. Of course, as my friends are always quick to remind me, I've dated some... let's say *peculiar* men over the years. So I know it isn't entirely bad luck. You know how I always joke that my type is "emotionally unavailable"? It's funny (or at least I think it is), but it's also alarmingly accurate. Not **one** of the people I've dated was even remotely interested in a relationship. Which raises an uncomfortable question: if this keeps happening, am I the one seeking out men who have absolutely no interest in commitment? Men who tell me from the very beginning that "something serious" isn't on the table? And I know that at this point you're probably thinking, *"Well, that's on you."* But let me defend myself for a second here. Their share of the blame is that they seem to think that, after that initial disclaimer, they can act however they want and expect me not to develop feelings. If you treat me like your girlfriend, it's not exactly shocking that I might start getting ideas. That's on them too, and I'm willing to die on that hill. I don't care how affectionate you "naturally" are. You don't get to enjoy all the benefits of a relationship while refusing to make any of the commitments. Anyways... When I inevitably make it clear that I have real feelings for said guy, the worst thing happens: they either imply, or outright say, that I’m a fun time. A great time, even! The sex is amazing, there’s a lot of chemistry... but somehow there’s a problem with my actual personality. First of all: **ouch**. Second of all: is my personality actually *that* bad? And this isn’t a “woe is me” moment, I promise. I know I can’t be liked by everyone. I know I was probably “dating” people I wasn’t actually compatible with. I’m not even (that) mad at the guys, they’re entitled to their preferences. But then I have to ask myself: what is wrong with *me*? Why am I so drawn to people who don’t like me back? People who seem to think I’m shallow, unintelligent, or spoiled? (All things that have actually been said about me, by the way). Am I *that* person? And if I’m not, why do I go for guys that think so little of me? Why do I find *interesting* the people that belittle me at every turn? Am I the male lead of some second-rate isekai manhwa? (Niche reference, sorry.) ![](https://storage.ghost.io/c/aa/cb/aacbbeca-0a79-4480-be82-02fe17b6cfe4/content/images/2026/07/what-an-interesing-lady.png) And that brings me to the crux of it all: did I even actually like those guys? It seems almost impossible now. I remember being much more concerned with what I was doing wrong rather than with whether I actually liked them. I was trying to figure out what part of me they found attractive and how to amplify it. I was analyzing every little word, every interaction, looking for clues. I was trying to see *me* through them. Did I ever focus on their qualities? Did I actually have fun on those dates? What was so attractive about these guys that made me lose my mind over them? Was it just the thrill of having a connection? (Again with that word, I’m so sorry). Did I just like the feeling of liking someone? Did it just make my life feel a little less boring? Because, let's be honest, my life **is** pretty boring. I wake up, I walk the dog, I go to work with my sister, I go back to my apartment, I walk the dog again. Repeat. I have friends, of course I have friends, and they're amazing. But their lives are so different from my routine that I still find myself feeling alone most of the time. Is this what adulthood is all about? Do you just get lonelier and lonelier as time goes by? Is this why we’re all expected to find a partner at some point? I've never been in love, so I don't know if that’s actually going to fill this emptiness I’ve been feeling lately. (Emo, I know.) And I hate that I feel like I need a partner. Not just that I want one, but that somehow I’m supposed to have one. I want companionship. I want chemistry. I want a romantic adventure worthy of the trashiest BookTok romance you can think of. But I can't help feeling like I'm not exactly on the right path to finding it. For all the jokes about my spreadsheet and my completely normal decision to turn dating into a data collection project, it has actually done one useful thing: it has made me pay attention. Not just to who I’m dating, but to how I feel around them. Whether I’m actually enjoying myself. Whether I’m interested in them or just interested in the possibility of something happening. I still don’t know if I’m looking for love, excitement, or simply a break from the monotony of my routine. Probably a little bit of everything. But maybe being aware of the pattern is already a start. Anyway, no grand conclusion here. Just more questions.