Field Notes

A Brief Interlude of Terror

Seven years of questionable decisions and somehow it was responsible me who had the pregnancy scare.

I’ve always been been the type of person who has sex without a condom.

The pull-out method has served me well throughout my 7 years of being sexually active. Impressive, I know. That doesn’t mean I’ve always had sex without a condom, but I would be lying if I told you that I’ve used one more times than I haven’t.

Of course I know this is also incredibly stupid, so don’t even start with the lectures.

This past July, though, I’ve decided to turn over a new leaf. After a complete stranger decided it was socially acceptable to come inside me KNOWING I am categorically not on the pill (not for lack of trying, I have a genetic condition that makes me prone to strokes. Yikes) I realized just how foolish I was being.

Surprisingly, in these past 7 years, not once have I had a real pregnancy scare. I may be the only person in my friend group that has never even thought about buying a pregnancy test. Not even this past summer, after said stranger casually informed me over breakfast that it would be wise for me to take the morning after pill.

Of course I knew it was completely unnecessary. After all, I was days away from my period and way past my fertile window and ovulation day. I made sure to buy EllaOne anyways, just for some peace of mind. It would be useless if I had actually been pregnant (EllaOne just delays ovulation, and since I had already ovulated…) But you don’t take chances is situations like that.

Now, two periods after that, I’m late.

The chances of me being pregnant in the year of our lord 2026 are slim, next to zero. After that encounter with the rude stranger, I have not had unprotected sex. I’ve been good! Well, mostly good. There was one time I might have been lax about it, but that was one period ago! I have had sex with only two people the past month, and they’re both very strict about it, so I know I am not at risk.

But being on day 37 of my cycle is starting to get to me.

Should I throw my money in the trash and buy a pregnancy test? I can’t believe that I am even thinking about it! The funny thing is, I know that stressing so much over it is probably what is actually making my period late. It’s a dog biting its own tail.

I am like 99% sure that if I got a pregnancy test tonight my period would come tomorrow morning. With my luck, it probably would come as I’m peeing on the fucking stick. But I am not going to buy one. Not yet.

My cycle has never been exactly regular. It is long, though! It’s usually around 30 to 32 days, so really, I am only 7 days late at worst… The problem with having such a long cycle is that it leaves you with very little time to actually have an abortion if, God forbid, you are pregnant.

My last period started August 26th, so that would make me... six weeks pregnant! That leaves me with another six weeks and six days to get an abortion. Sure, it’s not so soon that I wouldn’t be able to pencil it in, but still. It doesn’t seem nearly enough time!

And yes, medically, you start counting pregnancy from the first day of your last period. You’re considered pregnant even before conception. Did you know that?

And just like that, I’m on day 38...

But good news: I felt some cramps last night so I trust that day 39 is going to be the one, I think.

I know I am so focused on possibly being pregnant only because of all the baby talk happening around me. My sister is trying for a baby, my sister-in-law is actually pregnant and, to add insult to injury, yesterday at my pottery class there was a heavily pregnant woman! The universe is certainly playing a sick joke.

I’ve been trying to distract myself every way I possibly can (insert pottery class here) with very little success, hence this little essay.

The thing I keep coming back to is that one of the two people I’ve had sex with since my last period was using second-rate condoms. And the only reason I noticed they were weird is because they actually started to burn at some point.

I’ve legit had nightmares about those shitty condoms.

What if they were actually so shitty that they’d done jack shit to keep me from being pregnant? What if they were somehow broken? What if something actually leaked?!

I get that Durex condoms are on the expensive side, but isn’t safe sex something you want to invest in? Why the fuck would he use those cursed things?! They burned, for Christ’s sake! That can’t be a good sign!

I swear to God, if I am pregnant, I am going to the US to kill him!!

Day 39.

Like clockwork, baby! Aunt Flo came to town, finally!

I knew it was stupid to even worry about it!

And after all I said… Mr. Shitty Condoms, who is probably reading this, you can relax too!